A SMALL ISSUE THE TEAM IS LOOKING INTO - REAL MEANINGS

It’s day one of a new season, the cars have fired up in anger for the first time and that means only one thing – obfuscation, clarification and investigation. Here are a handful of the most common phrases you’re likely to hear this evening and their real meanings.

1. "The car is at a very early stage of development."
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"We have built a terrible, terrible car and have no idea how to fix it."

2. "We suffered a small technical issue that temporarily interrupted running."
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Fire! Fire! Fire! Run for cover!!!

3. "The problems we had didn’t affect our weekend preparations."
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It really isn’t going to get any better than this.

4. "Friday times aren’t representative."
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Friday times are totally representative and we will be eliminated in Q1 all season.

5. "Rookie Driver X’s feedback was excellent."
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Oh God, this one is not only slow, he’s stupid as well. It’s a good job he’s rich.

6. "It takes time to build a new relationship."
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We cannot bolt the gearbox to the engine.

7. "Obviously there is always room for improvement."
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There is no way of improving this.

8. "We are still trying to understand the tyres."
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We don’t understand the tyres and we probably never will.

9. "It’s incredibly tight in the midfield."
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We are going to finish 9th this season.

10. "The Albert Park Circuit is not representative."
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It’s going to be even worse when we get to Barcelona.